Imagine yourself in a dream. You are disoriented while falling in an unending space of white. In a slow motion moment you can see your all-white outfit flapping like wings. You ask yourself, is this heaven? You don’t know if you are falling from heaven or to heaven. Now you argue with yourself, who said the way to heaven is up? You are sure of one thing though; you do not know what’s happening.

Eggplant.

Fat eggplant.

Long, fat eggplant.

You are holding a long, fat eggplant.

And then you wake up. You are in front of the screen. You fell asleep while reading the introduction of this article. There is really something wrong with your head. But let’s put that aside and move on to one of the most simple recipe you will learn next to how-to-fry-eggs.

Let’s fry egg–plants. If you are a rockstar in the kitchen already, with a rockstar attitude, this eggplant recipe is Britney Spears pop. For those who just decided to learn how to cook let’s start popping:

A cooking vessel. A pot, pan, wok, sizzling plate, or anything where you can fry stuff. If you have a rice cooker or an oven-toaster, you can do this. Say it with me, the most simple eggplant recipe.

A drum of used oil. Eggplants are like sponges when heated, be ready for it. If you want your eggplants to taste like chicken, use the oil you used for making fried chicken. If you want them to taste like pork, you know what to do. Like the person you are going to marry, an eggplant is a versatile animal it can be anyone you make it.

Eggplants of any size, shape, color or form. Cut the eggplant any way you want to. Whatever you do slice them that you can fry both sides and avoid having an all-skin side.

Salt and pepper. Sprinkle them while you are cooking, not before because eggplants are insensitive when not in heat. Sounds familiar?

The direction is joyfully simple, straightforward and idiot-proof, we have to have it in color:

Fry them.

I’ll just give you a list on what to remember.

1. Make sure the pan and oil is heated before you slide your friends in.

2. Fry it in medium heat. Low heat makes them mushy (and takes forever to fry). Cook in high heat and you’ll burn them to hell.

3. Caramelize. It may look burnt but the near-black shades on the side of each cut is what you will want to eat. Always check the frying side to avoid burning.

4. It will be hot, there will be burning, there will be billows of smoke so get excited, open the doors and windows and crank up your exhaust.

5. If you prefer, finish it off with a swirl of spicy vinegar and soy sauce.

Since we’re done, let’s go back to your dream. Why were you holding an eggplant anyway?