Eggplant.

Fat eggplant.

Long, fat eggplant.

You are holding a long, fat eggplant.

And then you wake up. You are in front of the screen. You fell asleep while reading the introduction of this article. There is really something wrong with your head. But let’s put that aside and move on to one of the most simple recipe you will learn next to how-to-fry-eggs.

Let’s fry egg–plants. If you are a rockstar in the kitchen already, with a rockstar attitude, this eggplant recipe is Britney Spears pop. For those who just decided to learn how to cook let’s start popping:

A cooking vessel. A pot, pan, wok, sizzling plate, or anything where you can fry stuff. If you have a rice cooker or an oven-toaster, you can do this. Say it with me, the most simple eggplant recipe.

A drum of used oil. Eggplants are like sponges when heated, be ready for it. If you want your eggplants to taste like chicken, use the oil you used for making fried chicken. If you want them to taste like pork, you know what to do. Like the person you are going to marry, an eggplant is a versatile animal it can be anyone you make it.

Eggplants of any size, shape, color or form. Cut the eggplant any way you want to. Whatever you do slice them that you can fry both sides and avoid having an all-skin side.

Salt and pepper. Sprinkle them while you are cooking, not before because eggplants are insensitive when not in heat. Sounds familiar?

The direction is joyfully simple, straightforward and idiot-proof, we have to have it in color:

Fry them.

I’ll just give you a list on what to remember.

1. Make sure the pan and oil is heated before you slide your friends in.

2. Fry it in medium heat. Low heat makes them mushy (and takes forever to fry). Cook in high heat and you’ll burn them to hell.

3. Caramelize. It may look burnt but the near-black shades on the side of each cut is what you will want to eat. Always check the frying side to avoid burning.

4. It will be hot, there will be burning, there will be billows of smoke so get excited, open the doors and windows and crank up your exhaust.

5. If you prefer, finish it off with a swirl of spicy vinegar and soy sauce.

Since we’re done, let’s go back to your dream. Why were you holding an eggplant anyway?

These edible coins go well with Adobo believe me

27th Sun of the 4th Moon, 1521 Anno Domini:

Ferdinand Magellan was the name of the conquistador espesyal that decided to lord over Filipinos (or people from an unknown group of islands) in the race to find Spice Routes, by guess what, befriending a Filipino traitor Chief Humabon aka Judas Blingbling. Armed with powerful artillery and a warfare technology that surpasses island folk blacksmithing, he decided to ask loyalty from Filipinos and let them bow under the Spanish flag. What an idiot. He died. He got killed. Nobody knew the guy wanted to inject spears on his arm and wear a Filipino Deathblade for trousers. You can’t just go to the Philippines and alarm death bells my friend, you will get some. The ninja who smacked him had a funny name – Lapu-lapu. If you want a blow by blow account read here.

That small snapshot of Philippine history tells us that even before Larousse Gastronomique was published humans are crazy about flavor. It has been recorded in the annals of our existence that we have sought and fought for the sole purpose of having a good meal. What sort of animal would want to kill other living creatures just to get pepper on his tongue and get punished for having it anyway? That would be you, your father, your great grandfather and his father and great grandfather. If you think about it, every food that you have on your table had a bloody history to it, meat or not meat. What would vegans eat next if they knew of the fact that human blood was shed just for them to enjoy every specie of vegetables and fruits in their backyard? Snow?

If that made you feel sad why don’t we just go on with our recipe. Here are pictures to cool your eyeballs.

Market list as seen on the montage above:

A green bell pepper as big as your fist

An orange carrot as fat as your index, middle and ring fingers combined

A yellow ginger as nimble as your texting thumb

A violet onion that would fit your palm

A red hot chili pepper, preferably the spastic bass player that looks like he’s always on drugs.

A couple of  weird looking potatoes, says the spastic bass player that looks like he’s always on drugs.

All the ingredients should be cut into strips except for the potatoes that we are going to peel, cut into wedges, and fry until golden brown. Be careful not to overcook or undercook the potatoes because that would be the ruin of your life. You are not doing french fries so don’t make french fries. Frying potatoes does not always equate to making french fries. Your fire should be in medium, shift their positions from time to time and watch those potatoes like you’re a pervert. Do not leave the cooking to the heat. But do not get carried away, we are not after perfection because we know you screw up from time to time, you are only human, you are not Optimus Prime. This is how imperfect it should look like:

Now that your potatoes are done, run to your music box and play some cool music to celebrate your coolness and then run back to the kitchen and toss the rest of the ingredients in the wok. Turn, stir, toss and mix for only 3 minutes because you want those strips crunchy and then toss in your whole fried fish, put 1/4 cup of water, salt and pepper and then crank the heat up to high for the next 2 minutes. You want the sauce there boiling like it is screaming to be taken off the furnace.

Turn the fish after 2 minutes to punish the other side. After that, you are done amigo. You have just speared Magellan on the shoulder blade. Viva Lapu-lapu.

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