Go to your local butcher and ask if they have any freshly ground pork with a lot of fat with it. They will definitely give back a smile because no one asks them this except you, you crazy person. Nobody wants a lot of fat in their pork, give yourself a tap in the back. The common longanisa in the Philippines is a byproduct of pork. Any unwanted meat, fat, gut, and machine residue is stuffed in a pigs intestine and sold as longanisa in the Shady section of the market. Do not fret. It is tasty, delicious and is worth every chew. But if you want to stay hypocritically healthy, you can always ask for lean ground pork meat.

Here is your sausage mix for every 100 grams of ground pork:

1 tablespoon of sugar (this recipe has only started, by the time you take your first longanisa bite, your eyes will pop out)

1 teaspoon of salt

1/2 teaspoon of pepper

1 tablespoon of sweet ketchup. Do not use tomato sauce that is more sour than your ex or you will ruin hours of work

1 tablespoon of soy sauce

1 teaspoon of garlic, again, to fend off Edward Cullen

Mix all of the above with your ground pork and with your hands for a fat moment of time. Let them meld. The whole mixture should hold together. While you’re at it, make shapes – a poodle, a giraffe, the titanic, your mother in-law’s face, your husband’s fat boob, your neighbor’s cat – and with all your might and magic, punch it. Leave the mixture to share the flavors for the next 4 hours.

Now here’s the hard part – Making sausages. Let’s put numbers in to get you confused… or otherwise.

1. Get a good roll of cling wrap or any thin, flexible, plastic film. Lay it all across your workplace.

2.Scoop a tablespoon of your sausage mix and place it on top of your wrap. Do this again and on the remaining space of your wrap, accordingly of course.

3. Go back to your first tablespoon, roll the wrap just to cover your longanisa portion, shape it into a small sausage. And roll again like what you did when you were still on drugs.

4. Get a pair of scissors. Cut the space in between your portions and roll again. You’re still rolling longanisas are you? Do this for the rest of the portions.

5. Tie both ends of the wrap and apply approximate force to squeeze them all in middle. If you have been going to the gym, expect your longanisa rolls to explode. Yes, you were just appreciated so remember this site.

6. Are you confused? Alone? No one to talk to?

To add more conflict to your happy hour of reading, I have a quiz for you. Arrange the following pictures chronologically.  One of the pictures below wants to have a friend, tell it to go away.

I hope you enjoyed arranging the pictures in your head and I hope you felt bad for having that power to alienate something.

Now that you have your longanisa bouncing on your workplace, it’s time to keep them in the freezer. As what I have mentioned again and again in this Tapsilog, Tocilog, Longsilog series; Keep it in the freezer for 2-3 days and cook them thawed in that time frame as well because I don’t want to be fingered. I will not take the blame if you ate the longanisa you have prepared after 12 months of storing it. You might blame your mother for telling you you are a good singer that’s why you have applied in American Idol but I do not want to take the blame for you poisoning your family with expired sausages.

I have a secret on how to cook your longanisas with water and sugar but it won’t be a secret if I tell you about it. In the meantime, just fry them with glee.

P.S.

Giant longanisa sizes when fried will be burnt from the outside and raw in the inside. So be happy if your sausage is Filipino size.

How to make Tapa for Tapsilog

How to make Tocino for Tosilog

This is what the Filipino Tapa looks like:

Of course that is not yet cooked. I’ll give you a full-on Tapsilog picture later on but if you happen to be not normal (a reason why you are following this website) you can actually scroll-down your life away and take a sneak peek  but bear with me as we all get along with drooling enthusiasm.

Whether you like it or not, the best tasting tapa are the ones that are made commercially. Close your eyes, breathe deep and wink tight like Hiro Nakamura… let’s start our field trip, play the music.

Making our Tapa for Tapsilog begins with dumping a mountain of strips, stripes and other still-edible beef particles into the mouth of a conveyor belt to be sorted like army applicants. For the chosen ones, mutation starts with a shower of blissful Phosphate – an additive actively used by the corporations that created Frankenstein, your friendly fastfood chains. Phosphate is also used as a degreaser, stain remover and  as an active blue-and-white system that deeply penetrates your soiled underpants. Think about it as an intestine scrubber. Your insides will be squeaky clean, until you reach your mortality… that’s why it’s banned in other countries. After the bath, our handsome beef parts will roll in a powder of Isolates, mostly, a byproduct of soy oil production, an extender. Ever had the feeling that the beef that you are eating in a shady Chinese restaurant doesn’t feel like beef but something not beef? You have just been had by isolates baby. You eat more than what your body can take and you will have foie gras for a liver. But hey, look at our beef, they changed their names to Buff! Look Ma, Instant muscles! Look at them oiling up for a show! Look at our Tapa troop doing back flips and  trampolines into that gooey pool of Carrageenan. This stuff will make them hold their integrity and firm their muscles, as some of them will grow into Mr. Universes and become Terminators. Seriously though, Carrageenan is a powerful ingredient…. powerful to be a topical microbicide that is incorporated into lubricants to kill harmful sexual fluids. Not only our beef is buffed up and bouncy, it can fight STD! Look at them karate-chopping the sides of our conveyor belt.  They will then be splashed with Vitamin C. Sweet redemption. Vitamin C is added because of the word Nitrosamines. Ugly compounds that when undisciplined turn into carcinogens… and Vitamin C is there for the leash. It delays the spelling of the word Nitrosamines or C-A-N-C-E-R. So our beef can sneak into plastic bags handsome, STD and Cancer free, and ready to wed. Soy sauce and all the ingredients that are not listed in the Food Scientist’s list are then added to make Tapa.

You can now stop reading, look away from the screen and think about your life. Take a moment. Seriously… you don’t really care where your Tapa comes from do you? Don’t worry, I’ll patronize you, I don’t as well.

Scroll up and stop the conveyor belt music. Breathe in, breathe out. You will not die.

For a happy face, here’s some 70′s music for you and your mother while you both read the paragraphs below:

Although Tapa has been in the Filipino history for quite a while, talking about the origin of and where Tapsilog was first served is an invitation to a fist fight so I won’t even dare to go there. Every Filipino has his own opinion on what the best Tapsilog is and where to get it. Even the name Tapsilog is claimed by this restaurant and that eatery. There are a few common similarities to these claims though – that Tapsilog was first served during the 1970′s, thus the disco music, and that Tapsilog was oftenly mentioned and popularized by the three guys who are in the video above, Tito,Vic and Joey, in their 80′s Comedy Show Isku Bukol, thus again, the clip.

The following sentence is an obligation of this website and its authors are in  no possible, unimaginable way related to the vivid explanation or sylabreviation of the word Tapsilog:

• Tap is for Tapa, which is your preserved beef.
• Si is for Sinangag, which is your fried rice.
• Log is for Itlog, which is your egg.

Which in plain English language, Befriegg. Or in Filipino, Tapsilog. Genius. And let met tell you, Filipinos do not only limit these sylabreviations to food. Ever had a Filipino friend named Joselin? It’s because her father’s name is Jose and her mother’s name is Linda. And there goes Joselin flying out of the fallopian tube. I promise I do not intend to offend my Tita Joselin.

Let’s start the recipe on How to make Tapa for Tapsilog before I summon any other soul from the grave.

Thin strips of beef or any cut you like as long as they are sexy enough to absorb the marinade.

For the Marinade:

Soy sauce, 1/3 cup for each 500 grams of beef, preferably Silver Swan (this company should pay me) or any dark soy sauce.

A teaspoon of sugar for each 250 grams of beef.

And a lot of garlic, depending on how much you hate Edward Cullen.

A lot of freshly cracked Black Peppers. And I hope you know how “a lot” is a lot.

Add Salt by batches so you can adjust how salty you want the marinade.

Some people add vinegar or pineapple juice to their liking.

Do your marinade on a separate bowl first so you can taste it before you dunk your beef in. One purpose of the recipes in this website is to show you the way to do it your way so you can add more of this and that to your liking. Did I tell you to taste your marinade? Or did I? Now dunk your beef in. You may be asking, where are all the preservatives and extenders for a mighty tapa? The dog ate it. Let your beef marry your marinade for the next 2 hours before you lodge it in the not so very freezing part of your freezer. I am telling you the freezer because I don’t want you to blame me for being food-poisoned. I am also telling you to consume it in 2 days so I can still write about food without the pain of guilt if ever someone smashed the roof of their house and rocketed straight to space from the toilet. I myself consumed the Tapa I made without preservatives 5 days after it was sitting in my fridge. But it’s just me… I eat nails and thumbtacks too.

Do I need to tell you how to fry the tapa, an egg and make fried rice? Here’s the team:

How to make Tocino for Tosilog

How to make Longanisa for Longsilog

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Tapsilog, Tosilog, Longsilog

*

The epitome of Filipino breakfast.

The saviors of Filipino vampires who go out at 3 a.m. seeking something to consume.

The creatures that give Cap’n Crunch the shivers.

The legal way to take in as much preservatives and food coloring into one’s system in one sitting.

The fat advocate.

The familiar food you would likely eat with strangers.

The driver’s gasoline.

The meal that defies and defiles the 3 food groups because it only knows fat and carbo.

A rich man’s treat and a poor man’s staple.

The disco food.

The food that was supposed to be in a can but never really made it for some unknown miracle.

The love potion of a policeman who falls for the prostitute.

The university student’s 1 week fall back after spending all his allowance on alcohol.

A geek’s 15-minute break from an all night online vigil.

The complete guide to being a Filipino.

The prelude to a recession date.

The midnight siren.

The perfect cure for a bad movie.

The pork-shoulder to cry on.

The sunny side up to start the day and the starry starry night to end the evening’s revelry.

I was actually wanting to make a Christmas tree out of these sentences.

This week on your Filipino kitchen…

(which is now for next week because the author is stuck between a rock and a hard maze)

Tapsilog, Tosilog, Longsilog

Tapsilog, Tosilog, Longsilog

How to make Tapa for Tapsilog

How to make Tocino for Tosilog

How to make Longanisa for Longsilog

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