So somebody told you to cook for them? Congratulations. You are now a level 2 cook. You now have the authority to hurt your friend’s feelings by telling her she sucks because she only cooks in Cafe World in Facebook. Now, this is the time for you to make slow strides, stretch, don’t panic, relax, breathe deeply and carefully and read the following advice on how to impress your guests with your cooking (again, I hate the title… but the google god sent me a vision).

Advice 1. When somebody tells you to cook for them, reply with enthusiasm. Do not feel shy because your body language will tell them you are hesitant and that would rob you the chance of going on to level 2. Get interested. Ask questions. What do you want? What’s your favorite food? What’s the best idea? Because you want them to want you to cook for them. Why? Because you want  them to tell you to tell them whatever you want in return in the very near future, and they would be glad to do it for you because you had let them eat from the palm of your hand. Although a lot of people know this (specially cooks), not many people realize that being a cook makes you an overlord (specially those who only want to get fed). It’s one of those things that people already know but would not want to realize because it will hurt them… like being hung up on your ex; you know it but you don’t want to accept it.

If no one requested you to cook for them: volunteer. That’s what I did recently. Somebody had to have a birthday and somebody had to cook for it. So I did… because I need to borrow money in a couple of weeks.

Advice 2. Ask them what they want. The next sentence would be in bold letters and all caps because it is of paramount importance. NO ONE WANTS TO EAT YOUR SIGNATURE DISH!!! Maybe this time no one wants to eat it, but to impress your guests with your cooking means letting them tell you what to do. The main reason why you will be doing the thing that you like, is for them to enjoy their suggestions. If they tell you they are tired of eating beef, don’t cook beef and give a lame explanation of why your pork chops taste like cow. Be receptive of what they want. Stop cooking in your head and listen to what they are suggesting.

Now the bad thing that happened to me when I asked the birthday boy on what he wants to eat for his birthday is he didn’t want anything in particular. He said just cook anything and we’ll eat it. Now the dilemma in this scenario is, if I cook what I want to cook, like, the Filipino dish Dinuguan which is a stew of pig’s guts and innards in pigs blood, and on the dinner table one of the guests will try to flee by saying “where’s the pizza delivery boy”, that wouldn’t be good would it? So I thought, who are these guys anyway? What do they do? What’s their background?

Advice 3. Know who you are cooking for. So somebody told you to cook spaghetti for them. You in your glorious italian cuisine know-how cooked a fantastic spaghetti bolognese with the perfect balance of basil and tomatoes and a nice fine splash of premium Chianti wine that you decided not to open for ages until this prophesied day. You laid out your masterpiece on the table. You looked at your guests with a you-will-worship-me look. Their salivary glands squirted liquid to lubricate their expecting orifices while dunking in their first mouthful of your pasta bella. They look at each other. And with stuttering hesitance your uncle (suddenly he was your relative) asked “uhm… you have ketchup? I’ll just add more sauce to my spag.” And your aunt (suddenly you have another relative) in agreement says, “I think there’s some sort of weird taste to it, like the smell of freshly cut grass which I am not used to.” In a quick unfortunate series of events, your pasta bella became persona non grata because you actually did not acknowledge that your aunt and your uncle are just visiting from a far flung farm that did not have any idea of the italian way of cooking spaghetti but hearts the comfort of ketchup on top of their pasta. Ironically, you ruined it for being authentic.

Now the birthday boy that I was talking about a while ago is actually Greek. And not just any other Greek but a Spartan. The 300 movie? This is Spartaaaaa!  Remember? And not just any other Spartan, he is in some sort of dirty mafia to which I didn’t have the “defensive capabilities” to ask. So I decided to cook Greek food to not get killed or at least water boarded after dinner. He said he liked lamb. At least I’m getting somewhere. Greek lamb something.

Advice 4. You have to know about what you are cooking. Read different sorts of recipes about that dish. Where did that came from? What are the basic ingredients? Who made that recipe? Is there some sort of interesting history to it? And why do you need to? Because you do not want to sound like the television’s white noise when they ask you about the food. One way of impressing your guests with your cooking is you have a story behind the dish. The kids that get into American Idol or any reality TV show are the ones who have a story. Cooking goes far beyond the boundaries of the taste buds. And that reality TV contestant that has the most outrageous story is already in Youtube.

Kleftiko is the name of the dish that I cooked. The wonderful story behind it is in Sam’s blog if you want to read further and do an authentic recipe too. So I told them about Kleftiko and how the bandits stole lamb, make an oven underground, bury the pot there and discreetly, let it cook for a long time even up to 24 hours. So these Greek-Sparta-Mafia guys got interested because they found their identity in this sinister dish (or at least i think) and they started talking in greek and I heard one of them say, “he’s too asian to be greek”, “kleptomania” and some other words that I hope means let’s not kill this guy instead.

Advice 5. Let them help you cook. It would be a good reason to blame someone too if you screwed up the food. Aside from that, the joy that you have in the kitchen can actually be shared with others. Tell them to take a look at this or why don’t you have a taste and tell me if it needs salt. An advice from a novice would not hurt and an advice from an expert would be of great help. You’ll enjoy the company in any way.

Before dinner the other Spartan surprisingly volunteered to help. Why not? So while we were cooking in front of a wok in high heat with boiling grease which I made sure I am holding myself, I told him I just watched Godfather (because I need to know about their mafia) and he was a bit of confused because it was out of nowhere, but I have the weapon this time so he gave me his two cents about it and eventually he told me about their mafia. Which was actually in Call of Duty. A shooting game in the internet. I was disappointed. I thought I had killer friends. So I told him about my story. About how asians are a natural when it comes to kung-fu… and that I was actually wearing my black belt inside my jeans.

Nobody said the food was bad.

That’s how to impress your guests with your cooking.

(Dear google god, I still hate the title)