The native Filipino alphabet has no letter “Z” in it. That’s why longaniza (a pork sausage variant from countries that speak in either Spanish or Portuguese) is spelled Longanisa in the Philippines. The following recipe is a “how to make your OWN longanisa” and cannot compete with longanisas that are prepared by hands that do pork sausages from time of birth. But after you follow the recipe, after you have done all the mixing, rolling, tying, licking, stamping and frying of your own longanisa you will say that this longanisa rocks. Of course, you have to take credit, it was created by your own frail and well-lotioned fingers. Lock and Load:
Go to your local butcher and ask if they have any freshly ground pork with a lot of fat with it. They will definitely give back a smile because no one asks them this except you, you crazy person. Nobody wants a lot of fat in their pork, give yourself a tap in the back. The common longanisa in the Philippines is a byproduct of pork. Any unwanted meat, fat, gut, and machine residue is stuffed in a pigs intestine and sold as longanisa in the Shady section of the market. Do not fret. It is tasty, delicious and is worth every chew. But if you want to stay hypocritically healthy, you can always ask for lean ground pork meat.
Here is your sausage mix for every 100 grams of ground pork:
1 tablespoon of sugar (this recipe has only started, by the time you take your first longanisa bite, your eyes will pop out)
1 teaspoon of salt
1/2 teaspoon of pepper
1 tablespoon of sweet ketchup. Do not use tomato sauce that is more sour than your ex or you will ruin hours of work
1 tablespoon of soy sauce
1 teaspoon of garlic, again, to fend off Edward Cullen
Mix all of the above with your ground pork and with your hands for a fat moment of time. Let them meld. The whole mixture should hold together. While you’re at it, make shapes – a poodle, a giraffe, the titanic, your mother in-law’s face, your husband’s fat boob, your neighbor’s cat – and with all your might and magic, punch it. Leave the mixture to share the flavors for the next 4 hours.
Now here’s the hard part – Making sausages. Let’s put numbers in to get you confused… or otherwise.
1. Get a good roll of cling wrap or any thin, flexible, plastic film. Lay it all across your workplace.
2.Scoop a tablespoon of your sausage mix and place it on top of your wrap. Do this again and on the remaining space of your wrap, accordingly of course.
3. Go back to your first tablespoon, roll the wrap just to cover your longanisa portion, shape it into a small sausage. And roll again like what you did when you were still on drugs.
4. Get a pair of scissors. Cut the space in between your portions and roll again. You’re still rolling longanisas are you? Do this for the rest of the portions.
5. Tie both ends of the wrap and apply approximate force to squeeze them all in middle. If you have been going to the gym, expect your longanisa rolls to explode. Yes, you were just appreciated so remember this site.
6. Are you confused? Alone? No one to talk to?
To add more conflict to your happy hour of reading, I have a quiz for you. Arrange the following pictures chronologically. One of the pictures below wants to have a friend, tell it to go away.
I hope you enjoyed arranging the pictures in your head and I hope you felt bad for having that power to alienate something.
Now that you have your longanisa bouncing on your workplace, it’s time to keep them in the freezer. As what I have mentioned again and again in this Tapsilog, Tocilog, Longsilog series; Keep it in the freezer for 2-3 days and cook them thawed in that time frame as well because I don’t want to be fingered. I will not take the blame if you ate the longanisa you have prepared after 12 months of storing it. You might blame your mother for telling you you are a good singer that’s why you have applied in American Idol but I do not want to take the blame for you poisoning your family with expired sausages.
I have a secret on how to cook your longanisas with water and sugar but it won’t be a secret if I tell you about it. In the meantime, just fry them with glee.
Giant longanisa sizes when fried will be burnt from the outside and raw in the inside. So be happy if your sausage is Filipino size.