The politician on the left is essential so don’t wonder. Click this link first before reading on:

How does one make steamed rice without an electric rice cooker/steamer?

Have you chosen any of the suggestions there? Have you heard of rice poisoning? Anybody know if any one of them are still alive?

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to give you Oryza Sativa. And no, she is not from the collection of DVDs of your shady uncle, she is actually your mother. She is the life source of the vast part of the human population, the Eve monocot, the ever attendant participant of  every meal from the East and the most wrongly cooked grain in the West – our Mother, rice. Please do not manhandle her.

Unlike any other group of people in the world, Filipinos have a very intimate relationship with Mother. Unlike the Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Koreanese who have noodles as a substitute for rice, Filipinos love Mother and Mother only. The Indians with their Basmati version, they too are not faithful to Mother. They have Naan, their father. Italians decided to name it in 3 syllables, Ri-so-tto, because they have their well preferred companion in 2 blurbs, Pas-ta. And the rest of the world who would rather be poked by corn or stoned by potatoes, we, the Filipino people, in unswerving allegiance, are the Mother’s most faithful followers.

Here are some fun facts that come with it:

The International Rice Research Institute’s headquarters is in the Philippines. I have been there myself and all I can say is that they have a lot of rice there.

The Banaue Rice Terraces are an ingenious tribute of Filipinos to rice and was recently listed under UNESCO’s World Heritage List. This is not only one huge boulder of rice paddies but mountain by mountain of rice paddies you would really wonder how the crazy ancient Filipinos did it. But unlike the Mayans, the native tribes there are still hopping in between ranges in their g-strings.

Last 2008 the world suffered under rice shortage and the hardest hit is the Philippines because it is the largest importer of rice. Think about it; Philippines has the International Rice Research Institute and has mountains and mountains of rice paddies, why then is there a shortage of rice in the country that it has to be the largest importer of rice in the world?

Because Filipinos do not only eat rice. We actually boil it and use the water as an eye-drop solution for sore eyes. We grind it and rub the powder on our underarms to protect us from bad body odor. We culture it to make Yakult. We put it in the altar so it can cry and then we use the tears to heal old people. We make it as pets. We put it to sleep and give it a bath. That is how we really need Mother.

It is a mortal sin for us not knowing how to cook it. And if you are a Filipino who doesn’t know how to cook rice, you are going to hell.

So without further ado let’s examine the easy steps on how to cook rice perfectly.

Wash the rice with your pretty hands first because you don’t want to eat dirt and fertilizers. Put the rice in the pot, put water in and gently run your hands through, rubbing them and as if squeezing them. If you are doing it grain by grain you need to look down the floor and check if you dropped your brain.

Pour the water out but be careful and make your hand as a sieve for grains that go with the water. Do this twice or if you are anal retentive, as much as you want to.

After rinsing, put water for cooking and measure it with the first line from the tip of your thumb. Put your thumb in the pot, let its tip sit on the rice and the water must be at the level of the first line of your thumb. My grandmother’s grandmother’s grandmother never remembered why they do this but they have been doing it so don’t question the ancients. If you are 10 years old or less or have a weird thumb (no offense), use your thoe (that is the toe version of your thumb)… or let somebody measure it for you.

Cover the pot and turn on the heat in medium and wait for the concoction to boil. When it boils, turn the heat down to the lowest and wait for it to dry up and then turn off the fire. Do not open the cover more than 3 times because the spirit of Mother will go away thus making your rice dry and soulless.

The Filipino way of cooking rice is easy, smooth, painless, effortless, and with wings.

Now, if you did make a mistake because you are dyslexic like Jamie Oliver (Bourdain, may God have mercy on you for hating Jamie before), we shall make a rescue plan:

If the rice is still raw and grainy, your mistake is, your water is not enough or you did not follow the medium to low to turn off heat model. Sprinkle at least 1/3 cup of water in low heat. Do not pour the water, sprinkle it using your fingers.

If the rice is sloppy, the only way of rescuing it is turning it into fried rice, or porridge. Unfortunately the title of the article is “How to cook rice perfectly”.

So, everyone happy with their Mother?

I left a comment in the link above (click comment after the first answer). I really hope they are still alive or I’ll feel that this article is too late to save.

DISCLAIMER: Do not use the liquid from the boiled rice as eye-drops or you will poach your eyeballs even if the liquid is not hot. Do not use powdered rice as deodorant, because you are not sure if your underarms are glucose intolerant. Do not put rice anywhere except inside your mouth and only when it is cooked. I do not know how Yakult is made. Ask Dr. Shirota. You can make rice as pets. Batteries not included.

Heavenly white rice is best eaten with Adobo.

The people from the islands would also like to suggest eating it with fish.