courtesy of Marie-Lan Nguyen/Wikimedia Commons

Let me tell you a story:

One day in heaven, the creator of all things, Kabunian, woke up all giddy because he decided that he would cook humans. And by cooking he means to create them. So he molded from clay the face, limbs and the whole glorious figure of the human form… then he prepared fire and cooked it. After cooking he blew the breath of life on the culinary wonder. The concoction giggled and jumped from his palms and wandered on the face of the earth. Unbeknown to the creation, Kabunian thought to himself, “I overcooked the poor thing. He is black.”. So the following morning, he was back in the kitchen for another episode of Human Making 101 but this time he said, “I think I screwed up again, I undercooked the poor thing. It’s white and pale”. Restless and unsatisfied, the following morning he woke up early and headed straight to the kitchen for what will appear to become his masterpiece. Convicted that he is now sure how to make the perfect human, he molded, cooked and breathed his spirit to the obra maestra and this time he said, “It is good. Not overcooked, not undercooked, just the perfect color, the perfect tan, so he hand-put them on a group of island paradise which is the Philippines and called them Filipinos”.

Before I go on though, I really do not understand why a lot of Filipinos want to bleach the color of their skin, really. But that’s another story.

Now I just want to make clear that the story above is not from my one-track-mind imagination. It is actually one of the many creation stories of our Filipino ancient Thundercats. Although the story sounds racist if not xenophobic, this is one story that you want to tell people from other races (make sure they are sober) and be proud wearing that tan.

Again, how many brands of whitening soaps do we have in the Philippines?

Now I will attempt to account the History of Filipino food.

According to history the first ever settlers in the Philippines are the black people via ice bridges; locally, we call them Aetas. As history tells they are most likely be Aborigines from Australia or from where else, Africa. They are hunter-gatherers, so you can imagine the food would most likely be a lot of barbecue meat with either fruit or garden salad. Barbecued wild boar, fish, deer would be the centerpiece of the table with a side dish of seaweed or herb salad. We can also imagine that they have brought with them the technology of fire, pottery, fermentation and preservation. There is another theory that along with these Aetas, Austronesians also filled up the northern part of the Philippines and may have been responsible of the Banaue Rice Terraces

I assume that some of the popular earliest dishes would be:

Adobo, but only with salt and vinegar.

Daing or Tuyo – dried, preserved fish.

Kinilaw which is raw fish marinated in vinegar (though I doubt it because it may have been brought in centuries later because, come to think of it, it is actually Ceviche).

Sinigang, which is a fish or meat soup with a fantastic acid kick.

Pinakbet, Dinengdeng and Kinilnat which are all a royal rumble of vegetables in fish sauce (and later, during the trading centuries, would be redefined with shrimp paste).

Paksiw, which is meat, most likely fish meat, cooked in vinegar.

Linagpang, which is, barbecued meat finished with boiling water for a soup base.

Dinuguan, a stew of pig’s intestines, meat and blood.

If you are eating any of these from this moment forward you know that you are eating ancient dishes which as we all see on TV, anything ancient is magical and will give thou superpowers. If you reach the minimum number of times eating these foods, Kabunian will grant you powers so you can see through walls. Trust me. Ever wondered why that old Filipina missus has an arsenal of gossip about everyone around the neighborhood? X-ray eyes baby. Strong stuff these recipes I tell you.

Unfortunately, those who burned the Royal Library of Alexandria made a detour to the mythical Ancient Library of Manila and fed on the edible Pasig papyrus books until they have finished all the Alibata they can devour with popcorn-salt. So, for those who know anyone who has excellent knowledge of the history of Filipino food, please do invite them to comment here as obviously and I admit, I am assuming. And if you are a Filipino historian, please please please, look at us… we are statues in the middle of this barren memory, steadily holding a thumbs-up sign, so in case you are driving by with your plutonium-fueled, Delorian DMC-12 time machine,  you may have pity on us and let us hitchhike to the time where most Filipinos forget to remember.

Please Kabunian, send us your messengers (with the Doc and Marty Mcfly too) and punish Filipinos who use bleaching soaps.

So we have just finished unpacking… well not really

And it is 6 hours before Christmas here in Australia. The wife is just packing gifts for the family.

And the tree is still in the box.

And I’ll start cooking right after I go to Nick and start up his car because he got stranded somewhere.

I will fill up this post as we go along on our marathon to Noche Buena. This Christmas is kinda weird.

18:53 5 hours and 3 minutes more:

Just picked up Nick and look what he brought along

20:43 3 more hours and 12 minutes?

We just finished making the tree while our 14 month old baby has just discovered she can actually shout. So go figure.

So I head on to cooking. This is Crispy Pata in it’s first stages. I don’t know if I can pull this off later. I might blast-freeze this before deep frying later.

And of course, Christmas ham. I now dub thee Express Hamonado. This well packed pickled-pork  is a gift from the pork supplier of Tasty Bites.

I think I need to take a bath.

22:34 1 hour and 26 min

Ice cream pudding courtesy of the wife

Cadbury Dairy Milk Chip, Pistachios, Raspberries and Cherries

The rest of the cherries go in here. She ate nearly a kilo. She only weighs 7 kilos.

I am being ambitious thinking that we can pull off at least 5 dishes? We are pretty tired with all the moving but hey Christmas only happens once a year. I just heard the wife said Lilly threw up blood. Hmmmm… I am pretty sure those are cherries.

00:00 Christmas!

This was supposed to be posted 2 hours ago but my hungry orphans would not allow me, so here

That’s the Ham finally.

Crispy Pata. I had those cut by the butcher so it would be easier to deal with on the wok.

We’re suckers for seafood. Oysters in the middle of the night sounds like oysters in the middle of the night.

And finally, our White Christmas pasta.

I would love to talk more but it’s Christmas in the house so this will be continued tomorrow. Thank you God for the move and for Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Hey guys, We have been busy moving houses that’s why I didn’t have updates here… until the 24th maybe. And yes, we have to do it this December. I can’t even think of what to have for Noche Buena. The recipes below are still tentative. Just sit down, relax and imagine being with me on Noche Buena, I will be your waiter, and as the food comes,  I will be describing what we will be having for Christmas.

For entree:

Fish Spring Rolls

Thumbs up for something right. This cocktail is prepared in two stages. First, we stew Sashimi grade Tuna slices in a sweet vinegar marinade with oriental spices until all the flavor is absorbed by the fish – a cooking technique in the Philippines called Paksiw. Second is we hand roll them in a carefully selected brand of rice paper and deep fry them. You will enjoy the zing after the crunch on this one. The original recipe is made with ground pork but it would be overkill if you deep fry anything that is mostly fat. It’s like frying oil.

Macaroni Salad

This iconic symbol of a White Christmas is represented by al dente macaroni elbows mixed in a dressing of delicately whisked egg whites and oil. This appetizer cum dessert is also graced with squares of mother liquor gelatin, cheddar cheese cubes, strands of spring chicken breasts, young raisins, and handpicked summer pineapples. If you are a Filipino you would most likely describe this as – “lagyan mo lang ng mayonnaise at kung ano ano, tsaka kaong at nata de coco, solb.”  The Italian’s didn’t know what happened to their pasta when it landed on our eager fingers.

For Mains:

Chicken Hamonado

This lovely fowl is simmered in bubbly Coke and pineapple squeeze and slow cooked to “old people” softness… because they should park those false teeth in a bicarbonate solution sometimes. The cooking technique applied here is designed for fish and kids 3 to 5 years old. So you can go shopping Christmas presents for yourself, not guilty, while your toddler is busy preparing this dish for you and putting everything in sight inside his mouth. Don’t forget to tell him he can’t eat fire.

Garlic Prawns

Nothing beats the classic. Buttered prawns with golden brown garlic pieces. According to legends, wearing garlic as a perfume drives evil spirits… and there is nothing better to do than to have a holy Christmas. We also encourage you to give hugs and kisses while you are still reeking of seafood  and garlic. Look! You are glowing of the demon-fighting aura!

For Dessert:

Fruit cake

I don’t like this. I will not tell you about it. I hate fruitcakes.

Fruit Salad

We often tend to put too much on the table during the festive season so we are not having it instead. You still hungry?

Why don’t we share what our families have on the table on Noche Buena? I will be back by maybe the 24th. And while i’m out, feel free to share your super-secret Christmas recipes. I will be very busy packing up stuff that sometimes I tend to eat packing tapes so please be obliged, since we are on the season of giving and sharing, tell us what your family has on the table for Christmas.

It’s September and the mom starts looking out for value Christmas trees. Of course, plastic Christmas trees (Pine trees are not that common in the Philippines). While shopping she can already hear on the background  a collection of Jose Mari Chan Christmas songs that has outlived World War II veterans. She is confident because part of the 13th month pay of her husband, which is mandated by the government, was already handed out by the company. The wind is getting a bit chilly, a good sign for a Filipino Christmas.

*****

Streetchildren, as they are oftenly tagged, whose daily task is to knock on car windows through the daily traffic to beg for money are not on the streets. They are found in the community center making “Parols”, a christmas ornament shaped like a star. They are looking forward to sell them;  this time they won’t be asking alms. That is their Filipino Christmas.

*****

The uncle who has been working in Dubai for the last 5 years has just dumped his duffel bag in the overhead compartment of Philippine Airlines. He didn’t bring any clothes. What he brought instead was a hill of presents that beats Santa Claus’ sack of gifts for everyone in his extended family and friends. He is obliged to do that but he is happy. He also prepared a thick wallet for everyday feasts in the household, that is what Christmas is in the Philippines, he reasoned to himself. Although he knows he’s going back to the same seat in this plane after the festive season totally opposite to what he has in his pocket, he can’t wait to jump off the plane. This is his Filipino Christmas.

*****

It’s the eve of Christmas and grandma cries on the steps of their old mansion. Despite the fact that everyone from everywhere is arriving home to celebrate Christmas in the Philippines, her joy is not complete as she lost her youngest son who was serving in the military. The lieutenant was ambushed on one of their daily patrols against militants a decade ago. It was also Christmas during that time – An army jeep halted in front of the mansion and with excitement and full of expectation, she raced to the front door with the Queso de Bola (a ball of chees wrapped in wax) still at hand. There was no sign of  her son, just two officers with an unwelcoming expression. They did not need to say anything. The Queso de Bola dropped from her hand, split open and rolled down the steps of the mansion, she sat unwillingly and did exactly what she was doing every Christmas from that time. She remembers it well like a fresh wound.  She was startled from the memory when she realized she was holding a Queso de Bola. She even thought time went back to change the story. When she looked up, it was the lieutenant’s daughter who handed the cheese. She cried even more. This has been her Filipino Christmas.

*****

The cousins are arguing how best to roast the chickens. They don’t have an oven. All they have are a pile of coal and a pole of bamboo. They argue and agree while cleaning the bamboo pole, cutting it up and setting up a post for the spit. They then measure from the tip of the bamboo, by instinct, how long the skewer would be for 5 chickens. It is 4 hours till midnight of the 24th and one of the cousins got punched on the jaw. They argue, they agree, they laugh, they had the chickens on the table just as the clock hit 12. This is their Filipino Christmas.

*****

This is the fifth time that the house maid is going out to the gate to give pennies to the carolers. She is getting annoyed but she can’t be angry because they are little angels from ages 5 to 7. It’s a week before Christmas and she needs to tell the madame that she wants to go home. She is just waiting for the right moment to ask. She never worked so hard just to get that 1 week Christmas vacation. She even made the Christmas ham in advance to please the family. “Aren’t you going home this year?” asked the madame, “If you are going to, just tell me so we can go to the market before you leave.” She felt her heart jump to her nostrils. She heard the carolers for the 6th time this night but she gladly picked up the coins from the caroling tin, added some of her money and skipped to the gate (she has no idea that these carolers are the same kids all night). She’s ecstatic with her Filipino Christmas.

*****

It is the 23rd of December and this is the last day of Simbang Gabi or early morning Christmas devotion. Christmas in the Philippines gives miracles, as old people say: if you complete the daily Simbang Gabi from the 15th of December up to the Noche Buena or the 24th Christmas Eve fellowship, you can ask for anything and it will be granted. He left her for another woman. She is hopeful. This is her Filipino Christmas.

*****

This is the best time of his life. All the alcohol he can consume and it’s all for free. From the neighbors, to relatives, to friends from other towns, everybody witnessed how he laid waste all the bottles and cans. Ah, Christmas in the Philippines is a dream come true to drunkards such as himself. He felt awesome and cool as all the alcohol clogged up his nerve endings 24/7. He felt handsome and invincible. He lit little dynamites and watched the wick burn nearest to the explosive before throwing it. A gesture of experience from the thousands of explosives he blew off every Christmas. This time he is seeking grandeur, glory, respect and majesty from his neighbors. He gathered every explosive that did not explode… from Triangles, Sparklers, Fountains, Trompillo, Super Lolo, Judas Belt, 5-stars, Kamara, Pagoda, Mayon, Sawa, Pla-pla, Piccolo, Bawang, Pinatubo, Atomic Bombs, Goodbye Philippines and all sorts and names of fireworks, firecrackers and mini-dynamites. He mixed all the powder in one huge paper tube, packed it tightly with all his drunken strength and  inserted the wick that would act as a fuse for his monster explosive. “They will be stunned”, he whispered to himself. He placed it in the middle of the street for all to see. He heard them cheer, he drowned in their applause as he lit the fuse and ran as drunk men do. There was no explosion. Before everyone can declare that it was a failure there he was running back to his giant and face to face, he inspected the thing and blew on it to revive the dying ember. The neighbors trembled, the earth shook, all the lights in the town went off and there was darkness and silence after an ear deafening explosion. That was his last Christmas in the Philippines.

*****

He is contemplating while he is driving his newly purchased, second hand, Toyota Corolla. This year has been good to him. He got promoted twice, he finally was approved for a car loan and using their 5 year savings and his Christmas bonus and 13th month from last year, they moved out to a rent-to-own 2-bedroom house which is a 2 hour drive from Manila. Contrary to what everyone believes, a career in a call center is not bad, he said to himself. As long as you work hard, be there 2 hours early to get ready and stay for 2 hours more to assess your sales for the day, you will get somewhere. He doesn’t even mind being abused by their overseas clients, which happens always. It’s all about the money, that’s the phrase that keeps him going. He can’t have everything perfect though. This year has been shaky in the family. The fights were endless. She said he doesn’t have time for her and their son anymore. She said, “It’s either you have a woman or you’ve made your office desk pregnant you have to be there all the time”. And this month she actually left him with their son and went home to her parents. He is too embarrassed to call her because for sure, he will be speaking to his father in-law. He doesn’t really want to go home to celebrate Christmas all by himself. But he is too scared of Akyat-Bahay gangs and all the house robberies that happen every Christmas season. As he drives to the front of their house, he was alarmed because the Christmas lights were blinking on the windows. His heart was beating fast, he jumped out of the car and cautiously walked to the front door. He noticed, that there was a cardboard art of the nativity scene hanging on the door which wasn’t there before with a note saying, “Look at God there, he wasn’t fussy being born in a manger. I don’t want more money, I want more of you. Don’t go inside unless you’ve made up your mind. And I don’t want to see you without any food for Noche Buena. Buy softdrinks too.” He opened the door to see his Filipino Christmas.

*****

What’s your Filipino Christmas story?

Marinate your chicken skin with our basic barbecue jus (and as usual, each 100 grams is to):

1 lime or 3 calamansi or if you don’t have either 1/2 a cup of vinegar for every 500 grams

1 tablespoon of banana ketchup or tomato sauce

1 long chili pepper, any color will do including carnation pink

1 tablespoon of brown sugar

1 teaspoon of salt

1 teaspoon of pepper

1 teaspoon of finely chopped ginger and garlic (did I say for each 100 grams?)

1 small red onion for every 500 grams

2 bay leaves for every 500 grams again

The basic thing to do with your marinade is to mix it all separately first before you dunk Angelina Jolie in to make sure it won’t go brad.  Chicken skin is not a sponge; so you need to marinate it for 4 hours first before you poke them with your tiny spears.

Choose bamboo skewers for spears. While you’re marinating your beauties, drown those skewers in water. I don’t know what the reason for it is but I just do it. I suggest you should too because I heard that before they sell those bamboo skewers they put curses in them and the only way to cleanse it from evil incantations is to drop it in water and let it swim. If it stays down it has been cleansed. If it floats you can put a sail on it and maybe take a picture. Too much mucking around 4 hours has passed and your chicken skin is ready for poking!

Now let’s be careful while we do the skewering:

Rule Number 1

Skewer the chicken skins, not your own.

Rule Number 2

Do not play with your food. Do not be silly and spear anyone with your bamboo skewers.  Seriously. My auntie-grandma lost her eye when my uncle-grandpa darted in jest a fish bone to her eye.

Rule Number 3

Are your bamboo spears wet? It should be. Because if they are dry as your marriage you can and will plant splinters in your finger. I told you, these bamboo skewers have curses.

Rule Number 4

Don’t be lonely. Skewering your chicken skins require two pairs of hands and up. If you do this alone, I pity you. Grab anyone on the back of their neck to join the poking and spearing  spree. If you’re skewering with someone under 18 you might be charged with statutory rape… you fornicator.

Rule Number 5

When skewering, make sure that your chicken skins are not too thick or too thin on the stick. If it’s too thick or too heavy it won’t cook well so you can say hello salmonella. If it’s too thin, you will make coals out of your chicken skin barbecue.

Happy happy joy joy let’s start doing our chicken skin barbecue!

If you are using coal make sure that the gap between your chicken skin barbecue and fire is not less than 2 inches. Because these suckers are made of fat, there will be flames, there will be fire so watch out with a glass of water on hand to extinguish the inferno. It’s cool if you have some burnt areas on the skin but it’s way cooler if it’s not burnt from the tip of the stick to the handle. Watch it carefully like Dracula.

If you are using an oven griller, that’s 225 degrees Celsius or 391 degrees Fahrenheit, again not less than 2 inches gap.

If you are using a barbecue monster machine, choose medium heat.

Before the cooking side gets burnt or displays a few burnt skins, flip it to the other side. To know if it’s cooked or not, get a part of the tip and give it a taste test. Do not taste test yet if you’ve only cooked one side of it, we are not idiots here. And spit it out if it’s still raw, do not force yourself to swallow raw chicken skin. It ain’t cool.

Discard your marinade. For your finishing touches:

2 tablespoons of nut oil

2 tablespoons of ketchup

1 lime

Mix them all together and dab the dressing on your chicken skin barbecues.

DISCLAIMER

If you hate your partner in life, do no kill him/her/it with this chicken skin barbecue recipe. There are many ways to skin a chicken. I suggest you talk about it and rekindle the lost flame. If you get a sudden surge in your blood pressure, there is this thing called Neobloc for 50 milligrams but do not take it yet. See your doctor instead, he might need money these days as everyone seems to be going the healthy road. This recipe is not for the frail of heart.

Go to your local butcher and ask if they have any freshly ground pork with a lot of fat with it. They will definitely give back a smile because no one asks them this except you, you crazy person. Nobody wants a lot of fat in their pork, give yourself a tap in the back. The common longanisa in the Philippines is a byproduct of pork. Any unwanted meat, fat, gut, and machine residue is stuffed in a pigs intestine and sold as longanisa in the Shady section of the market. Do not fret. It is tasty, delicious and is worth every chew. But if you want to stay hypocritically healthy, you can always ask for lean ground pork meat.

Here is your sausage mix for every 100 grams of ground pork:

1 tablespoon of sugar (this recipe has only started, by the time you take your first longanisa bite, your eyes will pop out)

1 teaspoon of salt

1/2 teaspoon of pepper

1 tablespoon of sweet ketchup. Do not use tomato sauce that is more sour than your ex or you will ruin hours of work

1 tablespoon of soy sauce

1 teaspoon of garlic, again, to fend off Edward Cullen

Mix all of the above with your ground pork and with your hands for a fat moment of time. Let them meld. The whole mixture should hold together. While you’re at it, make shapes – a poodle, a giraffe, the titanic, your mother in-law’s face, your husband’s fat boob, your neighbor’s cat – and with all your might and magic, punch it. Leave the mixture to share the flavors for the next 4 hours.

Now here’s the hard part – Making sausages. Let’s put numbers in to get you confused… or otherwise.

1. Get a good roll of cling wrap or any thin, flexible, plastic film. Lay it all across your workplace.

2.Scoop a tablespoon of your sausage mix and place it on top of your wrap. Do this again and on the remaining space of your wrap, accordingly of course.

3. Go back to your first tablespoon, roll the wrap just to cover your longanisa portion, shape it into a small sausage. And roll again like what you did when you were still on drugs.

4. Get a pair of scissors. Cut the space in between your portions and roll again. You’re still rolling longanisas are you? Do this for the rest of the portions.

5. Tie both ends of the wrap and apply approximate force to squeeze them all in middle. If you have been going to the gym, expect your longanisa rolls to explode. Yes, you were just appreciated so remember this site.

6. Are you confused? Alone? No one to talk to?

To add more conflict to your happy hour of reading, I have a quiz for you. Arrange the following pictures chronologically.  One of the pictures below wants to have a friend, tell it to go away.

I hope you enjoyed arranging the pictures in your head and I hope you felt bad for having that power to alienate something.

Now that you have your longanisa bouncing on your workplace, it’s time to keep them in the freezer. As what I have mentioned again and again in this Tapsilog, Tocilog, Longsilog series; Keep it in the freezer for 2-3 days and cook them thawed in that time frame as well because I don’t want to be fingered. I will not take the blame if you ate the longanisa you have prepared after 12 months of storing it. You might blame your mother for telling you you are a good singer that’s why you have applied in American Idol but I do not want to take the blame for you poisoning your family with expired sausages.

I have a secret on how to cook your longanisas with water and sugar but it won’t be a secret if I tell you about it. In the meantime, just fry them with glee.

P.S.

Giant longanisa sizes when fried will be burnt from the outside and raw in the inside. So be happy if your sausage is Filipino size.

How to make Tapa for Tapsilog

How to make Tocino for Tosilog

1. It is the fattest and biggest bacon cut.

2. It is adorably sweet and it’s not salty compared to common kinds of bacon.

3. It is pink.

Although this Tocino recipe did not undergo the curing process of nuking it with saltpeter, I succumbed to coloring artificially because I don’t want to use any red powdered spice like paprika because it ruins the flavor.

Let’s dive right away on how to make Tocino for Tosilog. Like what we did with our Tapa, put the marinade on a separate bowl so you can give it a taste before you dunk your meat in.

You can use any meat. If you were thinking of using beef, normal people always use pork. But nobody said you can’t make tocino out of beef… it’s just that nobody ever did make tocino out of beef. With regards to pork, you can use the shoulder part or the ham leg cut or most likely, you will end up with the belly anyway. You will want to have some fat in your tocino cuts because those are the tastiest parts and it shows that you are brave enough to take in cholesterol. Congratulations, you will get fatter you hedonist.

Let’s do the marinade step by step:

Step 1

Boil half a cup of water for every 500 grams of meat and put it in a bowl. Be careful, you don’t want to burn yourself, melt a plastic bowl or break a thin glass bowl. The vase is for flowers.

Step 2.

For every 100 grams of meat, add a tablespoon of sugar, a tablespoon of ketchup, a teaspoon of salt, a teaspoon of powdered pepper, and a few drops of red unicorn tears (see coloring) for magic, in your hot liquid. Stir your liquid until all the powders have joined the water in blessed union.

Step 3

Taste it before you dunk in the pork. You can add more water, more salt, more sugar or more red unicorn tears if you         want to. Magic…

Step 4

For the next 4 hours, let your pork snort all the marinade in the bowl like what they do with their food when they’re             alive. Stick, stack and store them in a reliable freezer. Again, store them in the freezer for up to 3 days and consume them in that duration as well. I am giving you a short time frame for consumption because I do not want you to blame this website if you encounter gastric problems. I did not tell you to pick up stuff on the floor and eat it and I did not mention red unicorn tears.

Step 5

You can cook them anyway you like. You can boil them, fry them, grill them, broil them, you can bury them in your backyard for 24 hours before you dig them out and put them straight into your orifices for all I care just as long as you cook them well done. But just to be safe, shallow-fry them. Do not burn your babies. You want them pink with a little bit of brown smudges.

I assume you have fried your egg and rice for your Tosilog.

If you’ve been itching to know why do we color our Tocino red (and most likely ends up like a glimmering pink seductress),  you can ask Mr. Kitchenero.

How to make Tapa for Tapsilog

How to make Longanisa for Longsilog

This is what the Filipino Tapa looks like:

Of course that is not yet cooked. I’ll give you a full-on Tapsilog picture later on but if you happen to be not normal (a reason why you are following this website) you can actually scroll-down your life away and take a sneak peek  but bear with me as we all get along with drooling enthusiasm.

Whether you like it or not, the best tasting tapa are the ones that are made commercially. Close your eyes, breathe deep and wink tight like Hiro Nakamura… let’s start our field trip, play the music.

Making our Tapa for Tapsilog begins with dumping a mountain of strips, stripes and other still-edible beef particles into the mouth of a conveyor belt to be sorted like army applicants. For the chosen ones, mutation starts with a shower of blissful Phosphate – an additive actively used by the corporations that created Frankenstein, your friendly fastfood chains. Phosphate is also used as a degreaser, stain remover and  as an active blue-and-white system that deeply penetrates your soiled underpants. Think about it as an intestine scrubber. Your insides will be squeaky clean, until you reach your mortality… that’s why it’s banned in other countries. After the bath, our handsome beef parts will roll in a powder of Isolates, mostly, a byproduct of soy oil production, an extender. Ever had the feeling that the beef that you are eating in a shady Chinese restaurant doesn’t feel like beef but something not beef? You have just been had by isolates baby. You eat more than what your body can take and you will have foie gras for a liver. But hey, look at our beef, they changed their names to Buff! Look Ma, Instant muscles! Look at them oiling up for a show! Look at our Tapa troop doing back flips and  trampolines into that gooey pool of Carrageenan. This stuff will make them hold their integrity and firm their muscles, as some of them will grow into Mr. Universes and become Terminators. Seriously though, Carrageenan is a powerful ingredient…. powerful to be a topical microbicide that is incorporated into lubricants to kill harmful sexual fluids. Not only our beef is buffed up and bouncy, it can fight STD! Look at them karate-chopping the sides of our conveyor belt.  They will then be splashed with Vitamin C. Sweet redemption. Vitamin C is added because of the word Nitrosamines. Ugly compounds that when undisciplined turn into carcinogens… and Vitamin C is there for the leash. It delays the spelling of the word Nitrosamines or C-A-N-C-E-R. So our beef can sneak into plastic bags handsome, STD and Cancer free, and ready to wed. Soy sauce and all the ingredients that are not listed in the Food Scientist’s list are then added to make Tapa.

You can now stop reading, look away from the screen and think about your life. Take a moment. Seriously… you don’t really care where your Tapa comes from do you? Don’t worry, I’ll patronize you, I don’t as well.

Scroll up and stop the conveyor belt music. Breathe in, breathe out. You will not die.

For a happy face, here’s some 70’s music for you and your mother while you both read the paragraphs below:

Although Tapa has been in the Filipino history for quite a while, talking about the origin of and where Tapsilog was first served is an invitation to a fist fight so I won’t even dare to go there. Every Filipino has his own opinion on what the best Tapsilog is and where to get it. Even the name Tapsilog is claimed by this restaurant and that eatery. There are a few common similarities to these claims though – that Tapsilog was first served during the 1970’s, thus the disco music, and that Tapsilog was oftenly mentioned and popularized by the three guys who are in the video above, Tito,Vic and Joey, in their 80’s Comedy Show Isku Bukol, thus again, the clip.

The following sentence is an obligation of this website and its authors are in  no possible, unimaginable way related to the vivid explanation or sylabreviation of the word Tapsilog:

• Tap is for Tapa, which is your preserved beef.
• Si is for Sinangag, which is your fried rice.
• Log is for Itlog, which is your egg.

Which in plain English language, Befriegg. Or in Filipino, Tapsilog. Genius. And let met tell you, Filipinos do not only limit these sylabreviations to food. Ever had a Filipino friend named Joselin? It’s because her father’s name is Jose and her mother’s name is Linda. And there goes Joselin flying out of the fallopian tube. I promise I do not intend to offend my Tita Joselin.

Let’s start the recipe on How to make Tapa for Tapsilog before I summon any other soul from the grave.

Thin strips of beef or any cut you like as long as they are sexy enough to absorb the marinade.

For the Marinade:

Soy sauce, 1/3 cup for each 500 grams of beef, preferably Silver Swan (this company should pay me) or any dark soy sauce.

A teaspoon of sugar for each 250 grams of beef.

And a lot of garlic, depending on how much you hate Edward Cullen.

A lot of freshly cracked Black Peppers. And I hope you know how “a lot” is a lot.

Add Salt by batches so you can adjust how salty you want the marinade.

Some people add vinegar or pineapple juice to their liking.

Do your marinade on a separate bowl first so you can taste it before you dunk your beef in. One purpose of the recipes in this website is to show you the way to do it your way so you can add more of this and that to your liking. Did I tell you to taste your marinade? Or did I? Now dunk your beef in. You may be asking, where are all the preservatives and extenders for a mighty tapa? The dog ate it. Let your beef marry your marinade for the next 2 hours before you lodge it in the not so very freezing part of your freezer. I am telling you the freezer because I don’t want you to blame me for being food-poisoned. I am also telling you to consume it in 2 days so I can still write about food without the pain of guilt if ever someone smashed the roof of their house and rocketed straight to space from the toilet. I myself consumed the Tapa I made without preservatives 5 days after it was sitting in my fridge. But it’s just me… I eat nails and thumbtacks too.

Do I need to tell you how to fry the tapa, an egg and make fried rice? Here’s the team:

How to make Tocino for Tosilog

How to make Longanisa for Longsilog

]]> http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/how-to-make-tapa-for-tapsilog/feed/ 6 http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/tapsilog-tosilog-longsilog/ http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/tapsilog-tosilog-longsilog/#comments Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:27:24 +0000 seigfredtristan http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/?p=456

Tapsilog, Tosilog, Longsilog

*

The epitome of Filipino breakfast.

The saviors of Filipino vampires who go out at 3 a.m. seeking something to consume.

The creatures that give Cap’n Crunch the shivers.

The legal way to take in as much preservatives and food coloring into one’s system in one sitting.

The fat advocate.

The familiar food you would likely eat with strangers.

The driver’s gasoline.

The meal that defies and defiles the 3 food groups because it only knows fat and carbo.

A rich man’s treat and a poor man’s staple.

The disco food.

The food that was supposed to be in a can but never really made it for some unknown miracle.

The love potion of a policeman who falls for the prostitute.

The university student’s 1 week fall back after spending all his allowance on alcohol.

A geek’s 15-minute break from an all night online vigil.

The complete guide to being a Filipino.

The prelude to a recession date.

The midnight siren.

The perfect cure for a bad movie.

The pork-shoulder to cry on.

The sunny side up to start the day and the starry starry night to end the evening’s revelry.

I was actually wanting to make a Christmas tree out of these sentences.

This week on your Filipino kitchen…

(which is now for next week because the author is stuck between a rock and a hard maze)

Tapsilog, Tosilog, Longsilog

Tapsilog, Tosilog, Longsilog

How to make Tapa for Tapsilog

How to make Tocino for Tosilog

How to make Longanisa for Longsilog

]]> http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/tapsilog-tosilog-longsilog/feed/ 2 http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/the-most-simple-eggplant-recipe/ http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/the-most-simple-eggplant-recipe/#comments Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:02:03 +0000 seigfredtristan http://www.myfilipinokitchen.com/?p=383 Imagine yourself in a dream. You are disoriented while falling in an unending space of white. In a slow motion moment you can see your all-white outfit flapping like wings. You ask yourself, is this heaven? You don’t know if you are falling from heaven or to heaven. Now you argue with yourself, who said the way to heaven is up? You are sure of one thing though; you do not know what’s happening.

Eggplant.

Fat eggplant.

Long, fat eggplant.

You are holding a long, fat eggplant.

And then you wake up. You are in front of the screen. You fell asleep while reading the introduction of this article. There is really something wrong with your head. But let’s put that aside and move on to one of the most simple recipe you will learn next to how-to-fry-eggs.

Let’s fry egg–plants. If you are a rockstar in the kitchen already, with a rockstar attitude, this eggplant recipe is Britney Spears pop. For those who just decided to learn how to cook let’s start popping:

A cooking vessel. A pot, pan, wok, sizzling plate, or anything where you can fry stuff. If you have a rice cooker or an oven-toaster, you can do this. Say it with me, the most simple eggplant recipe.

A drum of used oil. Eggplants are like sponges when heated, be ready for it. If you want your eggplants to taste like chicken, use the oil you used for making fried chicken. If you want them to taste like pork, you know what to do. Like the person you are going to marry, an eggplant is a versatile animal it can be anyone you make it.

Eggplants of any size, shape, color or form. Cut the eggplant any way you want to. Whatever you do slice them that you can fry both sides and avoid having an all-skin side.

Salt and pepper. Sprinkle them while you are cooking, not before because eggplants are insensitive when not in heat. Sounds familiar?

The direction is joyfully simple, straightforward and idiot-proof, we have to have it in color:

Fry them.

I’ll just give you a list on what to remember.

1. Make sure the pan and oil is heated before you slide your friends in.

2. Fry it in medium heat. Low heat makes them mushy (and takes forever to fry). Cook in high heat and you’ll burn them to hell.

3. Caramelize. It may look burnt but the near-black shades on the side of each cut is what you will want to eat. Always check the frying side to avoid burning.

4. It will be hot, there will be burning, there will be billows of smoke so get excited, open the doors and windows and crank up your exhaust.

5. If you prefer, finish it off with a swirl of spicy vinegar and soy sauce.

Since we’re done, let’s go back to your dream. Why were you holding an eggplant anyway?