1. It is the fattest and biggest bacon cut.

2. It is adorably sweet and it’s not salty compared to common kinds of bacon.

3. It is pink.

Although this Tocino recipe did not undergo the curing process of nuking it with saltpeter, I succumbed to coloring artificially because I don’t want to use any red powdered spice like paprika because it ruins the flavor.

Let’s dive right away on how to make Tocino for Tosilog. Like what we did with our Tapa, put the marinade on a separate bowl so you can give it a taste before you dunk your meat in.

You can use any meat. If you were thinking of using beef, normal people always use pork. But nobody said you can’t make tocino out of beef… it’s just that nobody ever did make tocino out of beef. With regards to pork, you can use the shoulder part or the ham leg cut or most likely, you will end up with the belly anyway. You will want to have some fat in your tocino cuts because those are the tastiest parts and it shows that you are brave enough to take in cholesterol. Congratulations, you will get fatter you hedonist.

Let’s do the marinade step by step:

Step 1

Boil half a cup of water for every 500 grams of meat and put it in a bowl. Be careful, you don’t want to burn yourself, melt a plastic bowl or break a thin glass bowl. The vase is for flowers.

Step 2.

For every 100 grams of meat, add a tablespoon of sugar, a tablespoon of ketchup, a teaspoon of salt, a teaspoon of powdered pepper, and a few drops of red unicorn tears (see coloring) for magic, in your hot liquid. Stir your liquid until all the powders have joined the water in blessed union.

Step 3

Taste it before you dunk in the pork. You can add more water, more salt, more sugar or more red unicorn tears if you         want to. Magic…

Step 4

For the next 4 hours, let your pork snort all the marinade in the bowl like what they do with their food when they’re             alive. Stick, stack and store them in a reliable freezer. Again, store them in the freezer for up to 3 days and consume them in that duration as well. I am giving you a short time frame for consumption because I do not want you to blame this website if you encounter gastric problems. I did not tell you to pick up stuff on the floor and eat it and I did not mention red unicorn tears.

Step 5

You can cook them anyway you like. You can boil them, fry them, grill them, broil them, you can bury them in your backyard for 24 hours before you dig them out and put them straight into your orifices for all I care just as long as you cook them well done. But just to be safe, shallow-fry them. Do not burn your babies. You want them pink with a little bit of brown smudges.

I assume you have fried your egg and rice for your Tosilog.

If you’ve been itching to know why do we color our Tocino red (and most likely ends up like a glimmering pink seductress),  you can ask Mr. Kitchenero.

How to make Tapa for Tapsilog

How to make Longanisa for Longsilog

Eggplant.

Fat eggplant.

Long, fat eggplant.

You are holding a long, fat eggplant.

And then you wake up. You are in front of the screen. You fell asleep while reading the introduction of this article. There is really something wrong with your head. But let’s put that aside and move on to one of the most simple recipe you will learn next to how-to-fry-eggs.

Let’s fry egg–plants. If you are a rockstar in the kitchen already, with a rockstar attitude, this eggplant recipe is Britney Spears pop. For those who just decided to learn how to cook let’s start popping:

A cooking vessel. A pot, pan, wok, sizzling plate, or anything where you can fry stuff. If you have a rice cooker or an oven-toaster, you can do this. Say it with me, the most simple eggplant recipe.

A drum of used oil. Eggplants are like sponges when heated, be ready for it. If you want your eggplants to taste like chicken, use the oil you used for making fried chicken. If you want them to taste like pork, you know what to do. Like the person you are going to marry, an eggplant is a versatile animal it can be anyone you make it.

Eggplants of any size, shape, color or form. Cut the eggplant any way you want to. Whatever you do slice them that you can fry both sides and avoid having an all-skin side.

Salt and pepper. Sprinkle them while you are cooking, not before because eggplants are insensitive when not in heat. Sounds familiar?

The direction is joyfully simple, straightforward and idiot-proof, we have to have it in color:

Fry them.

I’ll just give you a list on what to remember.

1. Make sure the pan and oil is heated before you slide your friends in.

2. Fry it in medium heat. Low heat makes them mushy (and takes forever to fry). Cook in high heat and you’ll burn them to hell.

3. Caramelize. It may look burnt but the near-black shades on the side of each cut is what you will want to eat. Always check the frying side to avoid burning.

4. It will be hot, there will be burning, there will be billows of smoke so get excited, open the doors and windows and crank up your exhaust.

5. If you prefer, finish it off with a swirl of spicy vinegar and soy sauce.

Since we’re done, let’s go back to your dream. Why were you holding an eggplant anyway?

These edible coins go well with Adobo believe me

Ceviche, Cebiche or Seviche is its nearest cousin; Filipinos look like Mexicans.

If you don’t know what Ceviche is, it is Sashimi in steroids.

Any seafood that  can be eaten raw, meaning fresh, meaning smelling like the sea, meaning you bought it yourself and you are dead sure you won’t kill yourself, can be made into the illustrious Kinilaw. And to be straightforward, the following ingredients are the only things you need for half a kilo of your fresh seafood:

Vinegar. Just at the level of all the ingredients put together. And if you are using wine vinegar, you should have drunk it instead.

Ginger. As big as your thumb for each half a kilo. And if you are using a knife to peel it, you’re wasting it, you should have skinned it with a spoon.

Onion. A small one will do. And if you are crying while chopping it, same here. You are not alone. Michael’s alive.

Srping Onions. A stalk. And yes, I misspelled that in purpose to exercise your tongue.

Chili Pepper. A looooong red one.

Salt and Sugar. Amount depends on your discretion.

And half a kilo of any seafood that can be eaten raw. Deja Vu…

Those are our cornerstones for our basic Kinilaw recipe. I understand that when you are a Filipino in the North Pole, I would just make you cry If I would have included calamansi there or even lime. But for those who have access to it, we hate you.

All the spices should be chopped finely as a rule… unless you are as lazy as me and you would rather bravely chomp the spices like chicken nuggets, go ahead, kill your taste buds. If you are doing a fish Kinilaw recipe as I am doing now, slice them in bite sizes. For everything else – oysters, scallops, sea urchins, shrimps, etc… let them be as they are. Let them die with dignity.

Mix them all in a ceramic or a glass bowl because you don’t want to mess with the flavors.

And you’re done! You can mix in coconut milk but you would duel with yourself after a few hours so don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. You can also substitute salted eggs for salt with no side effects. But don’t devour it yet. You need to wait for at least two and a half hours for the flavors to meld, stirring occasionally.

Kinilaw could have been named Adobo if the Spaniards have seen it first because this is the literal meaning of the word. It is actually a MARINADE in all caps and bold letters. You do not put her in a fiery furnace, you bathe her with your own fingers. And as opposed to what everyone thinks that this recipe came from whoever raped our women, no… it is actually embedded in our existence. Bathala made it.  It is the food of our gods. It is the companion of our drunk poets. Kinilaw is the savior of the Filipino fisherman who spend days out at sea without his wife with only a bottle of fermented coconut juice to make Kinilaw in order to keep him warm while hugging his hard earned blue fin tuna which he will happily relinquish to our eager mouths like the clouds giving up its precious rain to the parched land.

I’m fast forwarding this to two hours and a half because nobody said it can only be done in TV. Now eat.

If you feel like reading stuffs today, here’s more about the History of Filipino Food