Let’s get back to reality. The problem with banana heart is if you don’t prepare or cook it well, it will turn out acrid and will affect any dish that you are making if you decide to use it as an ingredient. The best way to get rid of it is to cook it separately.

The usual way to cook banana heart is to cook it with coco milk. But if you are cooking a Banana heart recipe that doesn’t need or want coco milk in it, then you are reading the right article. Here’s how you prepare your banana heart:

1. Peel off the outer layers. The rubber like outer layers of the banana has the most acrid taste and you need to discard it or use it as a plate or for something else. Use your imagination. While you are peeling it, you will see little bananas already formed on one side. You can use it, as long as you cook it properly. I don’t use it unless in soups. You will know if you have come to the edible layer because when you peel it off, the layer gets cut off and you can’t peel it as easily as the previous layers. Your banana heart will now then be ready for cooking.

2. Prepare a deep pot full of water and let’s say a teaspoon for both salt and sugar for every cup. Let it boil.

3. While the water is boiling, cut your banana heart lengthwise but do not cut through. Just cut it so the inner layers open up for cooking. Make at least 2 lengthwise cuts across so it will be cooked evenly. This is the best way to do this because if you cut it to pieces before cooking it, you will waste time straining and straining a million pieces of banana hearts. In short, this way is easier. Some do not cook their banana hearts but mash and squeeze the pieces with a lot of salt. I tried that and I didn’t like the outcome… not only that it is still a bit acrid, it is quite salty too even when I marinated it in vinegar. Maybe I just don’t know the secret.

4. After you have slashed your banana heart, and when the water is boiling already, drown your banana heart in and let it cook for at least 10 minutes.

Your banana heart is now prepared for any Filipino recipe. If your banana heart turned out black, don’t worry, that’s the way it should turn out.

I will be making a Banana heart burger so after I cooked it, I chopped it like crazy. I will be posting the recipe next. I have a banana heart extract to catch.

Shuck Knife by David Monniaux

Talaba is the Filipino word for oysters. The usual oyster-opener that I see in a “Talabahan” (Oyster Restaurants, usually located on beaches, remember there are more than 7,000 islands in the Philippines) is a brick nail or a any huge nail that is attached to a piece of wood. The pointy end of the nail is then hammered to a slim perfection for a precise penetration of oyster lining. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of it. In households, guess what we use? Bare Hands. No, I’m just kidding, any small knife will do.

So in this episode of Prep, I will show you how we usually open oysters and open them safely. I would like to give a stress on safety. How many times have you heard on Philippine radio, a housewife that slashed her own stomach to a length and depth where her insides gushed happily onto the dinner table joining the oysters for a bloody revelry? I haven’t. Get out of this world, where do you live? You still have to be careful though.  So what do you need?

A kitchen cloth (to strangle yourself if you can’t even drill a small hole in it). I am saying kitchen cloth, because you need to have one. If you don’t have a piece of cloth dedicated for kitchen use, rip the very shirt that you are wearing on right now. Hmpf! You should have one.

A small knife.

Fresh live Oysters (what else are you gonna open? A can?). Do not buy oysters that are already opened because in this case, what you want to put in your mouth is a live animal. If it is open, it’s dead…. if you still buy and eat it, you can text-message-blast all your friends and family and say goodbye to them for good finally. Say hi to Peter for me.

Now, here’s how to open one.

1. Do not hold the oyster with your bare hands if you want to feel the skin on the face of your girlfriend later on. Do not even try to apply lotion before you do it because the possibility of your soft hand getting scraped is 1000%. Where’s that kitchen cloth? Place it on the surface, put your oyster on top of it and wrap the cloth around your oyster, leaving the top surface of your shell open for drilling.

2. Get your small knife, don’t even try to use a huge one because the possibility of you getting stabbed by yourself just got higher, genius. A coward Ninja would tend to open oysters with his Katana in an attempt to commit Ninjarakiri. See the sides of that oyster? You have to drill your knife in that oyster softly until you feel an opening. Softly. Do not twist your knife 360 degrees or you’ll get volcanic sediments inside the shell. People who eat oysters with even the smallest amount of their shells turn to mermaids… or mermen. You will lose your family jewels amigo.

Once you feel the sheath of your knife penetrate a glorious opening, hallelujah, turn the knife on one side to encourage the oyster to open itself up to you. A live oyster will fight for its life so you can feel a resistance when you open it. En Garde Militaire! Do the duel. Kill kill kill!

By the way, according to my research (while wiki-surfing):

While technically an animal, the oyster is considered by some ethicists to be an appropriate food choice for vegans and vegetarians, arguing it is acceptable to eat oysters, because in the relevant ethical terms they are rather closer to plants than animals. Two common ethical objections to the consumption of animals is that they feel pain (and that causing pain is wrong), and that their cultivation is environmentally harmful. On both of these, oysters are significantly closer to plants than animals. Regarding pain, oysters lack a central nervous system, and do not experience pain in the same way as humans do, with them and other bivalves being closer to mobile plants than to plant perception. Regarding environmental impact, 95% of oysters are sustainably farmed and harvested (other bivalves are frequently harvested by harmful dredging), feed on plankton (very low on the food chain), and in fact improve the marine environment by removing toxins. As such, oysters are listed as a “Best Choice” (highest rating) on the Seafood Watch list.

Eat that (I mean the oyster) you skin-tight-neon-shirt-wearing vegan!

3. The moment the oyster gives up its life to your sucking hole, the moment it will open up to the vulgarity of its death, it will leave you with its hearty juice and you do not want to waste that. Get a straw and suck. And tell me what it tastes like later. It’s a bit salty. Maybe a little more salty. It is actually really salty. But Filipinos suck that juice yeah. If you have iodine deficiency, I suggest you drink it. If you want to get it on the bed tonight, wear a thong and slurp that almighty juice of Don Juan de Marco. And ever so slowly eat that raw, fleshy, succulent, irresistible piece of scandalous meat.

This article is all fun and games until you actually open up one and find it a bit difficult. Filipinos do not experience that difficulty. You know why? Because most of us do not eat oysters raw. A cooked oyster cannot fight for the death of it, you won’t have to moan or grunt. The way Filipinos prepare their oysters before a ravishing consumption is so easy and Talabalicious. I’ll tell you about it next time. See you later heavyweighter!

Click here to know how Filipino in the Philippines would usually prepare, cook and eat their oysters.

1. Go to your local produce market or farmer and ask for the sweetest tomatoes. You have to ask for it. You have to. Better yet, sample the tomatoes. If he doesn’t want you to take a bite from his tomatoes for free, offer to pay for them. If you are anti-social and you don’t want to do any conversation with your local, grow your own tomatoes.

2. Wash your tomatoes and cut a cross on top of them. Why? There’s a vampire in the tomatoes and the sign of the cross scares it off.

3. Put your tomatoes in a small sauce pot, add 2 tablespoons of oil just to cover the base of the pot, add salt and pepper and off to the stove it goes. Cook it in very low heat. You don’t want to burn your tomatoes, or you will ruin your tomato sauce. Just let them sit in very very low heat for an hour.

4. Remove your tomatoes from the pot and put them inside a foil. Cover your foil and wait for 30 minutes. We are doing this so we can peel the tomatoes easily.

5. After skinning your tomatoes, mash them up and voila – tomato sauce. As you can see, I did not squeeze the seeds out of the tomatoes because I like the seeds. They grow into 5 Peso coins in my tummy. I don’t know. It’s just me.

There are a lot of other complicated ways to make tomato sauce but this is how you make it in a very easy way. Because just between us here, we know that you are a lazy monkey. So, now that you have been informed, go monkey-see, monkey-do.

Update me if you’ve done this so I can send you a banana for your next assignment. How to make banana ketchup.

Monkeys rule!

God with all his hopeful heart made man in his own image and looked forward to a lasting loving relationship between the maker and the creation. But man, stained this relationship and chose the darkness rather than light. Man chose the demon snake than the God of love. And man chose to beecome a monster. Man killed, stealed and deestroyed. Man killed the dog and made him his breakfast because he don’t care about the poodle. Man killed the whale because he don’t read Moby Dick. Man made the robots because he so lazy to do work with his hands. Man eat the chicken nugget because he so lazy to slice the chick’n. Man is so lazy he choose to eat garbage than get himself a decent grub. And the devil help the man pro-duce artifishal frankenstein food. Because the devil wants to kill the man. But God. Oh but God. Oooohhhh but God loves the man more than the world he gave the daaaamned creature a chance. A chance to redeem his doomed self. And God sang a song to Man. A song of romance. A soooooulful song. He wants the Man to get back to his arms and say Oh Lord. Ooohhhh Lord! Take me back to your loving arms again. So God told the Man to forget his evil ways. And start doing good deeds in the kitchen. In the chicken! Oh yes in the chicken! In the bones! Because cha-he-hange comes from the bones. Re-he-he-yal change comes from deeeeeep within the marro-ho-hooo-how.

And as much as I want to carry on the character, it is going over the top. So Hi. I’m myself again. In order to get rid of the evil in the kitchen that will kill you sooner or later like that cigarette, you’ve got to get rid of taking in artificial flavorings and too much salt by avoiding the cube, the powder, the can and whatever it is that God did not grow from his bounty of the fields. So let’s make chicken stock.

How to make chicken stock, this is a very easy process I tell you. And we’ll do with ingredients that are available in the Filipino market. So let’s go with the ratio:

Fill your pot with chicken bones. Clean the chicken with cold running water. Get rid of fats.

Cleaned, skinned and sliced Onions will be half as much as your chicken bones. Use brown onions.

Skinned and sliced Carrots will be a third of your chicken bones. No one will care how you slice them.

Cleaned and sliced Celery is also to a third of your chicken bones. Again, no one cares how you slice them.

A fourth of your sliced onions will be Spring Onions. Clean them too. Get rid of all the dirt and cut off the roots.

Fill the pot with water to the level of all your ingredients. Place the stove in low heat. And do not allow the stock to bubble. Make it simmer and not boil. Skim off the scum and fat every hour. By the way, you will let it simmer for not less than 5 hours.

Get a book. Surf the internet. Call a friend. Watch that TV series that you’ve been wanting to consume. Talk to your mom. Talk to your neighbors. Cut your cat’s fur. Get friends to come in your house and gossip all afternoon. Or read all the posts in this blog.

The more you simmer and reduce your stock, the better the taste.

That friends, is your basic chicken stock. It is the same with your beef stock and pork broth. If you have an oven, roast your bones with tomato sauce until they are brown. You just have to watch out that there will be no black spots on your bones when you roast them. For more questions about it, just leave your comments below.

Now why do you want to have chicken stock when you can buy cubes, packs of magic powders or canned stock? Because as I always say, it is better when you make them. Because first, you made them and you know where that stuff came from. Second, there are no artificial this or that, no additives, no coloring and no traces of nuts or chemical compounds. And finally, this stock will make your sauces and stews taste much much better than doing the cube dunk.

After you finish reducing your stock, strain it ridiculously. Strain it 10 times if you want. Because you want to get rid of all impurities. It should be golden pure. After you do that, measure and store. Measure by 1 cup and store it in batches. Store it in plastic cups with covers. Store it in clear cellophane bags. Store in ice packs. Store it in a container where you can defrost it for future use. As long as you strained it properly, it can stay frozen in the fridge for a month. And whenever you need it, you will be sure of yourself that you will not commit the same sin that your forefathers did. You have God by your side.

Now if you are still an unbeliever. Please touch the screen of your computer so I can pray for you. Do it. Touch the screen. I won’t go “The Ring” on you.

Are you touching it already?

Dear Lord…

And here’s a group of people in Facebook who hate eating seafood. I hope I’m not giving a serial killer a hit list.

But for us who eat fish I think we can boil it down to one reason: because fish is good. We only live once, as we hear all the time, so we are dead sure we have not missed that part of our existence of enjoying fish swimming in our mouth against all odds. When you are old and gray, when fishes go extinct, when there are no tunas and salmons and sardines in the world, you can proudly tell the deprived next generation… I had fish and it is good… unfortunately you haven’t so your poor existence can only wonder. And say it like you’re angry because dinosaurs became extinct you didn’t get a chance to have a dino-steak.

But then there is a huge number of people who are still searching for the light wanting to know how to fry fish. Google gave me 358,000 searches on “how to fry fish”. And why would you fry it yourself when you can go to some restaurant who will do it for you? That’s a bit of an ignorant question isn’t it? Here’s why:

1. You know where you got the fish, you know it’s fresh.

2. You saw how pretty it looks like before you drowned it in boiling tar.

3. You cooked it,  so you are pretty sure that you didn’t use prehistoric oil that was first used before you were born.

4. You’re proud because you actually did something aside from being a couch potato.

Take a look at this study. I am interviewing a pretty Filipina, Alex. Alex loves to eat fish. But doesn’t know how to even fry one. Let’s take a look:

Ziggy: Hi alex how are you?

Alex: Me? Tired? Excited.

Ziggy: What are you looking forward to?

Alex: Church, family, time and my daughter’s birthday.

Ziggy: Will you have fish in your daughter’s birthday?

Alex: No.

Ziggy: Why?

Alex: Because people might not eat it and it will just go to waste. It’s not a good idea to reheat fish and eat it again.

Ziggy: Have you ever cooked fish in your life?

Alex: Yes. Once.

Ziggy: What happened?

Alex: I burned it. Then I cried. Because my husband mocked me. He was really looking forward to eating it. And I failed.

Ziggy: How come it was burnt?

Alex: I fried milkfish that was marinated in soy sauce and you can’t really tell if it’s burned or not. (laughs)

Ziggy: If given a chance would you like to try frying fish again?

Alex: Not really…

Ziggy: Why?

Alex: *Smiles*

Ziggy: How would you like your fried fish?

Alex: Crunchy on the outside and moist in the inside with that fresh fish flavor to it.

Ziggy: Sounds like a plan.

Alex: I like to taste the freshness of the fish when I have them. I know it’s bad fish because it tastes like cardboard.

Ziggy: (I wanted to ask her “like the one that you burned” but her husband is a bit of a punch-first-ask-questions-later kind of guy, so I digressed)

Now the bit after this is just for Alex and anyone who doesn’t know how to fry a “crunchy but moist in the inside” whole fish.

So Alex, here’s how we fry a whole fish:

1. Make sure that your fish is clean, nicely gutted and not frozen.

2. Put any pan or wok that can accommodate the size of your fish on medium heat and put oil in it. 1/4 cup for every 500 grams. What you see in the picture above is an 800 gram Snapper.

3. Lay the fish on one side, make three samurai slits on it. We are doing this so we can open up some parts of the flesh to avoid under cooking Nemo. Do the same on the other side.

3. Season it with salt and pepper.

4. Test your oil by throwing a grain of salt. If it reacts like it’s angry then you can glide your fish in. Take note of the word glide – graceful… and not drop; like an idiot wanting to have burns on their limbs.

5. It will be violent on the first 8 minutes so don’t panic. Step away from the vehicle and put your hands where you can see them. After 8 minutes get a wok turner or a wooden spoon or a tong and tilt the fish up to see if it has formed a crunchy crust, if it had, check it every couple of minutes and if your jedi instincts tell you it is going to be burned if you let it sit there, turn it to the other side do your 2nd set of 8 minutes. Remember it’s 8 minutes for an 800 gram fish, thus, 100 grams per minute. If you’re cooking a 300 gram fish (or less) you might as well deep fry it, so no need to follow this how-to. If you’re frying a fillet right now, you need to read the title again.

6. Done? If you are not sure if it’s cooked or not, get a fork and open up a portion (preferably the thickest part) and check if it’s still bloody… if it’s not, it’s done. If you are sure it is cooked, take it off and let it rest on a wire rack to maintain the crunchiness on both sides. Let it breathe for a couple of minutes then eat it right away.

I hope we’ve turned your bad frying experience into a good one Alex. And for those of you who are about to break their cooking hymen tell me about how you went with your first time.

If you’ve done this and want to go further on your Whole Fried Fish, clickety-click

How does one make steamed rice without an electric rice cooker/steamer?

Have you chosen any of the suggestions there? Have you heard of rice poisoning? Anybody know if any one of them are still alive?

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to give you Oryza Sativa. And no, she is not from the collection of DVDs of your shady uncle, she is actually your mother. She is the life source of the vast part of the human population, the Eve monocot, the ever attendant participant of  every meal from the East and the most wrongly cooked grain in the West – our Mother, rice. Please do not manhandle her.

Unlike any other group of people in the world, Filipinos have a very intimate relationship with Mother. Unlike the Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Koreanese who have noodles as a substitute for rice, Filipinos love Mother and Mother only. The Indians with their Basmati version, they too are not faithful to Mother. They have Naan, their father. Italians decided to name it in 3 syllables, Ri-sot-to, because they have their well preferred companion in 2 blurbs, Pas-ta. And the rest of the world who would rather be poked by corn or stoned by potatoes, we, the Filipino people, in unswerving allegiance, are the Mother’s most faithful followers.

Here are some fun facts that come with it:

The International Rice Research Institute‘s headquarters is in the Philippines. I have been there myself and all I can say is that they have a lot of rice there.

The Banaue Rice Terraces are an ingenious tribute of Filipinos to rice and was recently listed under UNESCO’s World Heritage List. This is not only one huge boulder of rice paddies but mountain by mountain of rice paddies you would really wonder how the crazy ancient Filipinos did it. But unlike the Mayans, the native tribes there are still hopping in between ranges in their g-strings.

Last 2008 the world suffered under rice shortage and the hardest hit is the Philippines because it is the largest importer of rice. Think about it; Philippines has the International Rice Research Institute and has mountains and mountains of rice paddies, why then is there a shortage of rice in the country that it has to be the largest importer of rice in the world?

Because Filipinos do not only eat rice. We actually boil it and use the water as an eye-drop solution for sore eyes. We grind it and rub the powder on our underarms to protect us from bad body odor. We culture it to make Yakult. We put it in the altar so it can cry and then we use the tears to heal old people. We make it as pets. We put it to sleep and give it a bath. That is how we really need Mother.

It is a mortal sin for us not knowing how to cook it. And if you are a Filipino who doesn’t know how to cook rice, you are going to the fiery furnace.

So without further ado let’s examine the easy steps on how to cook rice perfectly.

Wash the rice with your pretty hands first because you don’t want to eat dirt and fertilizers. Put the rice in the pot, put water in and gently run your hands through, rubbing them and as if squeezing them. If you are doing it grain by grain you need to look down the floor and check if you dropped your brain.

Pour the water out but be careful and make your hand as a sieve for grains that go with the water. Do this twice or if you are anal retentive, as much as you want to.

After rinsing, put water for cooking and measure it with the first line from the tip of your thumb. Put your thumb in the pot, let its tip sit on the rice and the water must be at the level of the first line of your thumb. My grandmother’s grandmother’s grandmother never remembered why they do this but they have been doing it so don’t question the ancients. If you are 10 years old or less or have a weird thumb (no offense), use your thoe (that is the toe version of your thumb)… or let somebody measure it for you.

Cover the pot and turn on the heat in medium and wait for the concoction to boil. When it boils, turn the heat down to the lowest and wait for it to dry up and then turn off the fire. Do not open the cover more than 3 times because the spirit of Mother will go away thus making your rice dry and soulless.

The Filipino way of cooking rice is easy, smooth, painless, effortless, and with wings.

Now, if you did make a mistake because you are dyslexic like Jamie Oliver (Bourdain, may God have mercy on you for hating Jamie before), we shall make a rescue plan:

If the rice is still raw and grainy, your mistake is, your water is not enough or you did not follow the medium to low to turn off heat model. Sprinkle at least 1/3 cup of water in low heat. Do not pour the water, sprinkle it using your fingers.

If the rice is sloppy, the only way of rescuing it is turning it into fried rice, or porridge. Unfortunately the title of the article is “How to cook rice perfectly”.

So, everyone happy with their Mother?

I left a comment in the link above (click comment after the first answer). I really hope they are still alive or I’ll feel that this article is too late to save.

DISCLAIMER: Do not use the liquid from the boiled rice as eye-drops or you will poach your eyeballs even if the liquid is not hot. Do not use powdered rice as deodorant, because you are not sure if your underarms are glucose intolerant. Do not put rice anywhere except inside your mouth and only when it is cooked. I do not know how Yakult is made. Ask Dr. Shirota. You can make rice as pets. Batteries not included.

Heavenly white rice is best eaten with Adobo.

The people from the islands would also like to suggest eating it with fish.